Crossing the Line
by Dana Katherine Scully
Summary: It's difficult to find the line until it's too late.


Title: Crossing the Line  
  
Author: Dana Katherine Scully  
  
Keywords: Janeway/Chakotay romance, Angst, Voyager  
  
Rating: *R*  
  
Summary: "The line is gone. Where are we now, Chakotay?"  
  
"What just happened?"  
  
  
  
His question throbs inside my head with the strength of ten explosions. My heart is pounding in my throat, my stomach is trying to fly away, my knees are quaking, and it's all I can do to take a step back from him. What did just happen?  
  
  
  
"I need to go," I say, but I stay. I need to leave him here like before, leave him empty. Why? I don't know why. But I can't. My feet won't move: they've been melded to the floor. "I need to go," I repeat in a whisper, to no one in particular.  
  
  
  
"Why cant we talk about it?" he says, moving closer to me and taking me by the shoulders. I step back warily, avoiding his piercing gaze.  
  
  
  
"I need to go," I repeat. I feel like I've lost my mind: the memory of that moment...oh God but I can't think about it, think about him.  
  
  
  
"Kathryn look at me." I can't, I can't Chakotay. Please don't make me. I can't...  
  
  
  
He lifts up my chin and forces me to look him in the eye. I try my best to withstand his gaze. "I have to get back."  
  
  
  
And I have to know what just happened.  
  
  
  
"I don't know," I say, answering his unasked question. Wishing he'd just let me leave. Wishing I could forget what just happened, forget him pressed against me and what it did to my body, not to mention my heart. I can't believe that it all happened with uniforms on.   
  
  
  
"Kathryn, you're not going to get away with that now. We need to talk about this."  
  
  
  
"Chakotay please," I say. Sometimes I hate the sound of my voice. It's so low, throaty. Someone once told me it drove him crazy. I hated it then and I hate it now. "Don't ask me to explain. We can't."  
  
  
  
"But we can Kathryn, we CAN," he says, shaking me. "We can do anything if we want."  
  
  
  
"But I don't want, Chakotay." I lie forcefully, looking him square in the face. "I don't. Really." It hurts to tell a lie. I feel my heart leap again, pounding in my ears. It's so damn loud: why won't it just stop? Why can't it just leave me alone?  
  
He looks aghast. He looks utterly stunned. "Kathryn, we just...I dont know what we just did but it was not..."  
  
  
  
"We just made a mistake, Chakotay," I say. It gets harder and harder to speak: to let these vile, black lies writhe out of my mouth. I can't look at him anymore, so instead I look down. I see the dark stain. I smell him, his scent. It is all over me. He smells of me, I smell of him. Oh God Chakotay I'm so sorry. I can still feel him pressing against me, his hips moving in slow synchrony with mine. NO!!! No I won't feel it. I feel nothing: I am Captain Janeway, objective and impartial till the end.  
  
  
  
"No Kathryn. No." He shakes his head, trying to convince himself as well as me. "I care about you Kathryn, no it's not a mistake. It can't be a mistake," he whispers. I shake my head slowly.   
  
  
  
"No Chakotay. No. No no no no," and now I am crying. Dammit why am I crying! I don't cry. I do not cry...but I'm crying.  
  
  
  
He wants to hold me: wants to press me to him. I smell his scent: his mingled with mine. It smells so nice...but no I can't give in. I take a step back, shaking my head. I can't stop crying, can't stop shaking. "No no no no no," I keep whispering, and crying.  
  
  
  
I feel myself falling, hurtling down a long dark tunnel of lies and frustrations. It smells of sewage and rank meat. "No no no!!" I scream. I can tolerate loneliness. I love being alone. I am Captain Janeway. I am Captain...Janeway...  
  
  
  
And then I am safe, in a warm place where there is light and a nice smell. He is holding me to him, holding my defeated self to him. "Shhhh," he whispers into my hair. "Shhh." I am powerless to resist him. Oh God help me.   
  
  
  
"Kathryn, darling, oh my darling Kathryn," he mutters, over and over. He is kissing my forehead. It tickles, like eagle down. It feels so nice...but I can't give in to him. I am Captain Janeway. I have my own power. I don't need a man to help me. I can do everything alone. I don't need him.  
  
  
  
But oh how I do. The music has kept playing: I never stopped it. I can't stop it. "There may be trouble ahead/But while theres music and moonlight and love and romance/Lets face the music and dance." Her voice is like mine: throaty, hoarse. Her words hurt me. What just happened?   
  
  
  
He asked me to dance, I know. I said ok: he turned on the music. I danced close to him. Oh God I'm so sorry Chakotay.   
  
  
  
He started it: I felt him pressed against me. I felt...I felt HIM. I wanted to feel it, I think. I wanted to feel something physical. I felt wet, warm, musky. Like a cellar: no one cares what happens in the cellar as long as it doesn't wake anyone up. I felt him press against me. I think I pressed back.  
  
  
  
I felt his hips move, I felt mine move. I felt him stiffen up, I stiffened up. I felt warm, too warm. It was too hot. I wanted to take my uniform off. But I didn't.  
  
  
  
I tasted sweat: I must have been licking him. I don't remember. He was too warm. It would be smart to take our uniforms off. "Oh Chakotay,"I sighed...but we didn't.   
  
  
  
He kept pressing himself against me. I felt his hand where it wasn't supposed to be. I didn't do anything. I felt waves of electricity start to come over me, slowly slowly then faster faster faster until I was shaking and convulsing with the shock. It hurt a little bit. But it felt nice.   
  
  
  
It felt so nice. Why Chakotay? Why did we do it? Why did we cross the line? I can't go back. I can't get back over the line. I can't see it in the distance. The line is gone. Where are we now Chakotay?  
  
  
  
"I dont know." 


End file.
